Ramblings in July

That's me I think. Lot's of darkness and some lightness in the centre.

I have made countless (well, four) other separate blogs but none make me want to write. It seems that since I have started here might as well continue. It will keep my story going. Why not? But, then I ask myself if I am afraid of change and new things and want to stay in my comfort zone. Well, today I give myself permission to do what feels right and good and warm, and not uncomfortable. After all, it's my I am representing and maybe that's just who I am or maybe this blog is more compatible with my style and personality, and honestly, the latter seems to be the case and I am just a person who is not happy with herself. I ramble.

But, yes, I guess you could say that I am not happy with myself, all the while learning to enjoy life. I am okay, but deep down I am not and that is the hardest to just come to terms with and move past it, to grow. There's just so much going on in my mind all the time. On the outside that's not what you or even I see and I play myself as normal so well that I have got myself fooled pretty darn good, too. I mean how do you beat that? But, today I realized if I am a disaster of a person, it's not just because of one things. It's not because of two or three but many, even on macroscopic levels. Disasters are not born in a day, they are made over many years and by many factors. On that note, I should forgive myself to be a disaster because there was a hand bigger than mine that created it / me.

I am hound when it comes to sniffing out faults in myself. I get to work early in morning, right when I wake up and by nightfall I have found at least a hundred things to be guilty about, sad about,  and simply hopeless about. You would have thought that I had gotten better by the sound my previous entries. The thing is, yes, I am better than the episode of depression I went through a few years ago. But I am not okay, still. I am not okay. I am not okay. I need help. I am not sure how to ask for help, with what I need help and who to go to for help. Most days are like this, but some days, very few in a year where I have clarity and where I have calm. Is it because I need B12 or something. Is it my diet, is it my lifestyle, what is it?

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Alright, so this is 15 to 20 minutes after I wrote all that gibberish. The time well spent - on YouTube. I tell you, YouTube never does dissapoint. Currently listening to and trying new music and I have found something that speaks my mind (well, the mind that I aim to have).

Have a listen yourself to the album Mother Nature's Plantasia by Mort Garson. It's wonderful and the first song is just what I want to be when I grow up. But, currently listening to the second track and it seems promising.

In that time I also found Dr. Lonnie Smith, a jazz musician, who specialized on the organ instrument and he is marvellous as well. He looks like a Sikh from the garb he wears (Turban, beard and loose clothing). I saw a clip of him with The Roots on Jimmy Fallon show and I must say it was refreshing to see someone as talented as him, and someone who looks like a Sikh (or is a Sikh) on the stage being praised for their music.

Also, Happy belated Canada Day! Mixed feelings about that one as well, but, what is that I don't have mixed feelings about these days?