Resurrection of the blog posts

Studio C at school campus.

Well, here I am three years later writing this post as a means to procrastinate a little bit more before I start to study for my dreaded finals. I have two on December 11. Yikes!

I didn't post anything from the trip in India, but, a lot has changed since then. This is my third year as a university student and I have never seen more ups and downs in my entire life than in these past years. I am a changed woman in many ways but, much of what makes me me has not changed. Sometimes, I wish I could just swap personalities with someone braver and less miserable than I am. Then again, I kinda take solace in being miserable. I love to cry, and lately have been finding myself wondering why we chase happiness at all. Why can't we indulge in the moment's emotions and love ourselves and what we feel right there and then. Yes, there are times when I wish I would wake up happy (which hasn't happened in a long time), but if this is what my life has to offer for now, why should I try to change it. In the past three years I have been heartbroken many times, mostly by the same person, that I have learnt to appreciate the hurt that makes me feel undead. Life's mediocre existence jolts awake when someone makes me feel unwanted. It wants me to love myself even more. Who else will appreciate my mind's intricacies more than someone who understands them (and sometimes fails to understand them, which is OK).

Sometimes life can be overwhelming, too. Just two days ago, I found myself crying in front of the giant reindeer that stood looking at a giant Christmas tree in front of my school. I didn't care that someone was going to see me wipe my tears or blow my nose on my scarf. I just wanted to let it all out. And it felt good!

My emotional breakdown spot. Isn't it beautiful?

Overwhelming reality of life is my own creation, though. I procrastinate. A lot. The Instant Gratification Monkey (waitbutwhy.com) has latched itself onto me (hopefully, not permanently). I am working on it. Just like I am working on all the other fifty thousand complexes and issues that I seem to have.

Depression has not been very good to me either. I suffered from it for at least a year which has made my not-so-serious inherited anxiety somewhat serious. It started from stress from school, was propelled even further by family problems and now I am left cleaning up the mess it made. The mess seems manageable, but it takes time. It takes even longer time for people to understand it. The mess is mine, but, it would feel wonderful if someone lent a hand, even if that means someone telling me my feelings are valid, that everything will be OK.

*Deep and slow breaths*

Wow! It's been a ride! I finished my first CO-OP term as an engineering student. Made up my mind to transfer into another program that accepts me more and actually gets me. And I get it. Made so many friends. Learned and failed at so many things. Now, here I am. Sitting in Studio C, reminiscing. I wonder if I will ever become as great as I think I will become. I have a fear of being in fear for the rest of my life. Anxiety doesn't help much.

I realize for much of the post I have portrayed myself as a victim of life's atrocities. That's exactly what I think of myself - a victim. There are people with much worse experiences. In that case - Are my feelings valid? Am I being insecure and hurtful to myself for no reason? I know that how you feel about everything in life comes down to how you view it. Your perspective determines how you will feel about today. And I have made a goal to be relentlessly positive about everything. Even sadness. Like I said before, sadness is good too. It makes you feel human. There are so many emotions a human goes through in a day. I am lucky to experience even wider spectrum of them. Now, I just want channel them in my art, and who knows, I will become a great and well known artist one day!

That's it for now. I should probably go back to studying. More like stuDYING. Until next time I remember about this little corner of the internet that I have claimed for myself.


PS: To my future self: I hope you are reading this after finding a good internet connection in some Tuscan market, enjoying your afternoon tea while conversing with the waiter in Italian. I hope you are feeling better.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ― Jim Morrison

Read more at http://higherperspective.com/2014/08/quotes-rethink-life.html#CJTT1GBSVD8SO8Ti.99